I’ve been itching to tell you a story that happened back in March in the midst of the pandemic. Long story short, only few close ones knew that I was abroad and I started travelling when it was already quite serious on the other side of the world.
I didn’t travel just for fun… but I travelled because I was on the pursuit of seeking knowledge, which made it harder for me to choose whether I needed to go or not. All in all, I was in a complete dilemma… More than that though, how was I going to tell and explain my family this?
But before I made my way to tell my family, I had already been talking to Allah in my prayers to give me signs or guidance to tell me what to do because I was in a complete dilemma…
How was I going to weigh my decision? On one hand, I kept myself checked with facts which at the time was still in control, but my emotions overcame me of course. I had a lot of things to consider and if I was really going to go, I’d need to make a LOT of preparations before I’d go. This dilemma started intensifying when during the week of the date of my flight.
To rationalise with everything, I put my emotions aside and started to do things that are within my control. I rechecked facts and even went to the extent of going to the health clinic to seek for advise. I went to the store to purchase a bottle of alchohol, a stack of wet tissues and a few sheets of masks for the travel. I checked the status of the flight and went to research for reliable news.
I had prayed enough, to a point that I had arrived to an ayat in the Quran that spoke to me so deeply and that it was the reason that strengthened my decision to go on this journey.
“[Such believers are] the repentant, the worshippers, the praisers [of Allah ], the travelers* [for His cause], those who bow and prostrate [in prayer], those who enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong, and those who observe the limits [set by] Allah. And give good tidings to the believers.” Surah At-Taubah:112
*the translation in my Quran says that travelling for seeking knowledge is an example of His cause.
I was so sure that everything was on the roll and I had made my decision that I didn’t just want to go, but I needed to..
It was until during that week of my departure that I had a few setbacks. I had a few disagreements with my eldest sister whom I know would only want to protect me while my mother had been quiet with the whole situation, in which any child would be able to tell that silence is worse than disagreements. My father, on the other hand, was surprisingly was neutral about it as he was going to travel 2 weeks after my departure for his work as well.
I had an intense conversation over text with my sister. I cried. Not because I disagreed with her. But because I was emotionally exhausted. I was in a deep dilemma again. We simply ended our conversation without me knowing what I needed to do.
If there’s anything that I would never want to happen is to see my mother worried or disappointed in me.
In the end, it was up to me.
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