I am so glad that I stumbled upon a video of a project called as Bissau Project tonight as I have been feeling uninspired that I feel like I’ve lost some passion within me that I have always had on pursuit of goodness.
It has been more of routine and doing things solely out of responsibilities. This isn’t a bad thing though but I don’t think I can live this way knowing that I am not being my best or at least being my authentic self.
Another video series that has become my daily food after Fajr is a series by Yaqeen Insitute about Angels by Sheikh Omar Sulaimen (If there’s anything that I can say I am consistent in is watching this bitsized video every morning haa)
But yes, I’ve been trying so hard to write something but I haven’t gotten myself around anything. On one side, I’ve been telling myself that I need to write regardless of how I feel. On the other end, I’ve also been telling myself that then what is the purpose of this writing if it wasn’t for anything to bring people closer to altruism, goodness or God?
This is probably one of the internal fight that we writers have. One of the many anyway. I can’t really be at both extremes because then I would either need to wait for inspirations to come from above, which will never happen until I actually start writing. It’s about the flow and within that flow is our opportunity to connect to whatever message that has been hidden within us for a long time.
So, this brings me to the highlight of this post actually, and reasons why I chose those 2 videos that I linked above is because these videos make me feel like I am “home”. No, it’s not the videos. It’s the stories within those videos.
I even played some on repeat because it reminded me of what it’s like to be genuinely connected to a story or a content, rather than it being just as a pursuit of consistency. It’s hard to be consistently connecting yourself to everything that you do because it can be emotionally exhausting.
You can feel something when something is delivered from the heart. And that is what I positively envy from the stories curated in these videos. I’ve been doing things but these actions have not spoken to me in depth that I am seeing myself deteriorating mentally and emotionally.
Yes. I am brave enough to say that.
But because of this, I’ve learned something deeper about myself.
Everything is just a means or tools. When it comes to talking about means (tools) in relation to this world, we always think about the obvious things: our family, our jobs, our money and our status as supposedly to be used as a means to be closer to our Creator, Allah. Because it’s obvious that these material possessions may be a reason to pull us away from Him.
But we hardly think and talk about means in relation to the pursuit of altruism. What I mean by this is that we get frustrated when these means are not as ideal as we have imagined in our head because if it is in the cause of this deen, then it should be easy right?
Indeed, in any case in our life, our pursuit should be none other than for Him. Not for any means, regardless whether it is for a good cause. I mean, for example, when you are volunteering for a cause—let’s say to feed the poor—do you attach yourself too much to the cause that when things do go as you’ve intended to be, you’d become lost out of exhaustion?
Or do you attach yourself in pursuit to seek His pleasure, and being aware that seeking His pleasure is a higher priority than the actual act of goodness itself?
I’ve been pondering about this because I’ve been exploring so many things beyong writing, on the pursuit of altruism. Spirit and passion are truly not enough because this is a state where we are still trying to depend on ourselves solely rather than being in complete dependent on Him (well, keeping in mind that tawakkal and our own efforts are balanced).
So, this Ramadan, I’ve learned deeper about altruism and acts of goodness. In simple words, do we sincerely and honestly expect nothing in return other than His pleasure? I am not saying we shouldn’t dream or want to attain goodness int his world and the next.
But what I am saying is, we’d feel more at peace to seek His pleasure out of our gratitude towards Him first, because what comes after that are just extra rewards.
Perhaps, that way then we would be more ready to return Home.