I’ll be honest. I feel bad for not writing as regularly as I promised. I feel bad for not doing this inconsistently. Then I paused for a while, trying to reflect what was it that stopped from me from being consistent. I know how to be consistent but why do I still struggle to do so?
Is it because I am too tired? But if I am occupied and too tired, how is it possible that I still make the time to waste my time? Is it because of messy schedule? Maybe.
But before I go further, how are you today? How are you honestly feeling?
2 weeks ago during my quarantine, I was in a mess for a few days. Seriously. I felt lonely and thought that in order to solve this, I need to talk to someone about my emotions and instability. I did. But still, I still was looking for something more. But then I realised it isn’t about the quarantine itself that was affecting me, but I’ve realised, despite being an introvert and that I love being alone, I’ve realised a truth that actually I was not comfortable being alone with my thoughts. This was something that I would usually distract myself from until I embraced it and addressed it.
I did a simple yet powerful thing: I was completely honest in my conversation with Allah. Even at a time I couldn’t pray. I always thought that in order to be connected to Allah is only during my solat. But even at times when I can’t solat I can still pray to Allah and converse with Allah.
I felt alone because my connection with Allah was quite lost.
The solution to all of this is actually quite simple. All of the things that we want to achieve in life and yet haven’t done so is because our dishonesty to ourselves. And more important our dishonesty to Allah. How honest our conversation and du’a is to Allah?
But the thing is, sometimes, we may not even be aware of it to a point we keep repeating the same mistake, being stagnant over and over again, that we give up halfway only to find the “new shiny material” when a new opportunity comes.
Before we talk about consistency, self-discipline and all those practical things. We have to speak to our heart. I mean, really just dig inside: Why am I doing this? Who am I doing this for? What are the things that I am consuming everyday – is it good for my self-betterment? Or is it purely to distract ourselves the problem that actually exist on the inside? What are we doing during our time of rest?
Honesty. Yes. It sounds simple but this is the most difficult thing to do because sometimes, we don’t even know if we are being completely honest with ourselves. Sometimes, we build an ego as a shield-even sometimes if it appears to be something good- to not let other people know we are, after all, in some way or another change.
That cannot be done if we are not being completely honest with ourselves.
Food for thought: “How honest are we to ourselves and to Allah?”
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