Hello friend. It’s been a while.
After neglecting this for a long time, my feelings were all over the place this morning and I couldn’t point out why. But I looked back. I looked back during the days when I was actively writing and expressing myself. At those times, I was on a phase of healing and searching for myself until I thought I found myself.
I stopped searching and I settled with my goals and whatever dreams that I intended to achieve in a timeline. It became a chore. I became more fulfilled for a while but there has always been this inner voice in me to remind me “When are you going to start writing again? Like seriously and properly?” to guilt trip me. I looked back at what I had written 2-3 years ago and read some of them. It felt like I was reading a from a different person.
This inner voice became louder and louder during my self-isolation days, after returning home from an eventful solo work trip. I managed to be okay until the 6th day. I made a few days record of how I was feeling and some people was checking up on my self-isolation days where the last piece of advice that they left me was always “Maybe you should write about this”
So I did. I took a few empty notebooks and expressed myself but the ideas were all over the place. Then I opened my writing app on a day I felt utterly broken and hopeless with myself. I cried and yet I didn’t know why (other than the main culprit being the hormones). I started writing without any direction and I allowed myself to flow. Then it constructed into a sentence and then a paragraph and then, a story. By the end of the piece of writing, I felt like myself again.
Then I neglected the urge to express myself through writing for 2 days in which the feeling had came back to haunt me again. I was stubborn. I searched for other places to express myself and yet, I felt incomplete. So here I am just getting back to the momentum of writing.
I wanted to write like Haruki Murakami when I finished his book “What I talk about when I talk about running”. With all the structures and life schedules that I have to obey, reading books and writing allows me to escape from these rules. There aren’t any rules in writing. The only rulings that I need to follow is how do I make sure I focus and maybe do better than Haruki Murakami (no offence, I love your book) than having to wait 10 years to publish that particular book—his memoir.
As a writer, it’s funny how undisciplined we can be but how our feelings serve us so well by reminding us that “Hello, these feelings and reflections need to go out and come out” How hungry we are to tell these stories however long it would take. But I know I just need to find the balance between being creative and being practical at the same time. So Alhamdulillah for every emotional turbulence that we through.
But I don’t want to leave this writing piece just a place for me to say “Hey, I’m back on writing and maybe one day I’ll publish a book”.
Coming back to the first point… where I said I was actively writing, I was healing and I was searching. The truth is, we are always seeking and searching. The way we are tested is different at different stages of our lives and that’s required for us to heal continuously. That means we are not necessarily always searching for the truth but we are continuously seeking to search for clarity in the truth.
But Alhamdulillah for Al-Quran and the Sunnah, for we’d forever be searching if we had been left without guidance.
Anyway, here’s a crazy announcement: I am finally starting to write a book. This time for real. I know I will regret announcing this but I need to because this blog will serve a purpose to tell you about my journey and how it will eventually come to life. I don’t know how yet but I need to make this commitment because in all honesty, death without an impact is scarier than my fear of publishing a book however that will be done. I’ll find a way, by Allah’s will, like I always do.
I need to stop everything and just focus on this one thing. I won’t be giving doing book reviews nor summary except that it has something to do with journey. I feel these were just distractions from my “true calling” (please don’t cringe) to write a book. About what you may be wondering?
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