“I don’t believe in myself anymore”

I was anxious about something today. It’s a normal kind of nervousness but as I tucked myself in bed, the anxiety magnified. So, I flipped through the pages my journal to express my worries.

In the midst of writing my thoughts down, I heard a ding from my phone. “Maybe it’s a reminder from an app” I thought. But it was a text from an ustazah—someone whom I’ve grown close to.

It was a caption from her student which warmed my heart. A student started opening up to her about the change that she was going through and ustazah shared it with me instantly without a doubt.

It reffirmed me again… at the right time too.

Fast forward to the end of our conversation, a familiar feeling kicked in.

You may call it faith, belief, motivation or whatever it is. It was a reassurance that just like everything that I had gone through—no matter how flawed or chaotic things could get—I’d still be able to grow and just… breathe.

Sometimes, we’re so focused on making everything perfect so that in an ideal world, everyone would believe in what you say, do and that we wouldn’t have to deal with problems or the lack of results.

We’re so focused on chasing the big things now. Our judgements are clouded by ideals that we are too eager to achieve when we haven’t taken the step back and pause. When we haven’t taken the initiative to just admit that—just because we’ve come so far—we are far from perfect and that a fall is what is needed to bring us back to the reality.

Sometimes, tests can get the best of you, thinking that what you’re doing will not go anywhere. Thinking that perhaps, it’s best to walk away… for yourself.

This is what has kept me going. It is when people start changing for the better not because of you or any temporal cause, but for a cause that is greater than ourselves. It is when Allah gives to you more than you’d expected and really, He has always been the one to give whether it be with the blink of an eye or through a gradual process of accumulated efforts.

Whenever you believe wholeheartedly what you’re doing is actually making an impact—no matter how little—to someone else, don’t stop just because a hiccup would come into your way.

Don’t ever let those dirty whispers to convince you to jump off the boat just because it started shaking as the wave from the sea hit the fragile wood. You’ll be safe from the vibration—at least for a while—but little did you know that eventually, you’re going to drown.

It’s okay to be scared sometimes. It’s only human to fear. But don’t ever, ever stop believing in yourself. If not yourself, then believe in His wisdom.

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