I’ve always had the struggle to track where my money goes and how much I have in my pocket and in my bank. Although I don’t buy with emotions compulsively like I had been before, suffice to say, I am relatively broke. It depends on what “being broke” means to you but in the real world, if I don’t have any support from my family, I am sure I wouldn’t be living comfortably—let alone in luxury.
Let’s be real for a sec. It’s true I am blessed with doing the things that I love and that includes the luxury of writing this in my own blog. Sometimes, I can’t help but feel anxious about my current situation as in I still depend on other people especially my mother for my day to day life needs.
It’s not like I had not tried being normal—wanting what most people would want. Stability and settling down. I did, but it never worked out and I kept searching for what was missing in the thing that I do. I was searching for meaning in the things that I was doing. By God, I tried to reason and yet… I was still not content.
It breaks my heart sometimes—that I still need to depend on my tired mother—but then I’ve realised I have a choice. I can either walk away and chase things that I know don’t carry any value to my life.
Or you can work something out that you believe with all your heart that it will work out, because you are working on something.
I wrote this about a year ago or early this year about how I have this fear of being broke forever (who honestly doesn’t?).
And here I am… A year after, still broke, scared… but hopeful.
Maybe you’re in the same situation as I am. You’re struggling to get by and still depend on your parents even though in your heart, you wish you can give back.
Some days are great, some days are just not on your side.
Yes, you’re struggling now and you sometimes can’t see yourself getting out of the situation. But I’d take this as a good sign and perhaps, I just need to say this to myself to feel better.
Don’t you think that just means you’re alive? You are not letting everyday go by passively. You are actively trying to find a way to get by—to survive, for now—but one that is guided by your values.
And that one day you’ll look back and get to say to yourself that “I can’t believe I am finally here”.
I know I tend to be idealistic more than some people and I don’t know if it’s a blind faith but I’ve seen my own eyes and felt with my heart that things will work out in the end.
If anything, when we still have the sanity and ability to work on our dreams, we are blessed. I know how cliche this sounds but this is all I’ve got left to grasp and hold on to. And for the record, there are so many ways you can contribute back and that isn’t just in the form of materials. Seriously.
If you feel the same thing as I do, please, don’t ever… ever give up. You’ve got this. Self-doubt and mistakes are just phases. You’re on to something big. If Allah wills it, it will be.
PS/ I know I skipped a day. Had a long day. Doing this one day at a time. ALSO, one tip to manage your money is to use an app from PlayStore (for android devices). I've been using this consistently for 2 weeks now, which I think has been working great so far. Try "Money Manager" and have fun.