The day when I almost lost everything

Today, I woke up feeling motivated and so ready to get some things done especially where I’ve left off with my writing pieces and personal project. I started the day with a perfect cup of tea and was about to smash the day with productivity. It was until I trusted my laptop so much that everything came crashing down. See, I had bought a new laptop about 2 months ago and my expectation was that everything would be as peachy as all new things should, but boy… was I wrong.

I turned on my laptop and it was fine. Then, it requested me to update something and then, okay sure whatever.

It restarted but it couldn’t reboot.

“No rebootable device found” was the first thing that it showed and as a tech-ignorant person, I panicked and became stressed out so much so that I was so angry and I cried.

(I know I’ll probably laugh about this—I’m laughing now—for crying over a silly thing). But this wasn’t silly at the time that it happened, because I was thinking about ALL the data and photos that I’ve accumulated for the past 2 months would be lost. Nada. Zero. That I’d have to start everything from the beginning.

And as silly as this sounds: No I didn’t back up anything except for a few photos which I only have done last night.

Guys, I burst into tears because I was already thinking about some of the worst case scenarios: how much would I need to pay to fix my laptop? What am I going to write with? What am I going to go to work with? HOW AM I GOING TO LIVE??!

You know when you’ve had one little problem and it would escalate to another problems that you haven’t solved because you either have shoved it under the rug or never dealt with it in the first place? My emotions this morning were accumulations of things that I haven’t dealt with for a long time. Domino effect. Yes, that’s exactly what happened.

Imagine this. I was so frustrated about my laptop. And I was already thinking about how much money would I need to spend to fix my laptop if I need to. And I would think “Ya Allah…HOW AM I GOING TO PAY FOR yada yada yada” And why am I so clumsy. And why can’t I get things together. And then, oh man, I can’t save up. And then, what about my personal project. And then this, and then that.

Dear friends, welcome to my mind. 

It’s true.

However, as a reflective person—after I spent a few moments to grieve over my lost data—I contemplated on how sad a state am I in if I am crying over intangible things that, to be honest, mean nothing if you would think about life in a larger perspective. AND HOW SAD AM I FOR RELYING MY LIFE OVER A LAPTOP. Life, as in, all of the things that I’ve worked for and things that I’ve written.

So, I said to myself “It’s going to fine. This is so stupid that I am being emotional over one this one thing. It’s not like anyone’s going to die”

OK. I may have gone a bit overboard with the whole dying thing. But if your laptop has ever crashed in the heat of a moment… say, while you’re writing your final year project or thesis, what would you do? Or if someone stole your laptop. Or if you somehow lost it to the sea or river as you are obsessively doing your work when you’re on vacation. What would you do? It would be as if—at that moment in time—you’re being given the biggest test, isn’t it?

And then this led me to another thought. How workaholic can you even more be? Let me ask you this: Have you gone a day when you truly, honestly don’t think about getting some things done? That if you don’t get it done, you’ll feel guilty and punish yourself for not getting it done? It doesn’t matter if it’s your job, or personal project or a passionate cause that you’re working on. Have you actually sat down and stop and think about how ridiculously obsessive we are about enhancing our lives with money, status and all things that wouldn’t matter when we reach the grave?

(These questions are meant for me. Because that’s what almost happened to me every single time.)

The day when I feel like I’d almost lost everything is the day when I’d almost lost my intention and purpose. And this has happened time and time again. I am only motivated if it’s made easier for me and if there goes a hardship or a hurdle, I’d simply would walk away or curse over my fate? And that I would only be grateful if things are a lot easier and that I have everything that I need and additionally, want?

I am not saying that you shouldn’t be frustrated about a problem when you need to. If anything, be frustrated and let all the feelings out right here, right now when you’re in solitude. Let it all out because one day you won’t have to bite your nails over the same problems that you haven’t had the time to grieve over. All am I saying is that, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s not that bad. Maybe along the way, I’ve lost the meaning of patience because I always have the need to get things done when it needs to. I want things to be fast and smooth and let be honest… perfect.

But the reality is: nothing’s ever going to be as how you’d like to be no matter how much you’ve worked hard for it. Actually, these “low moments” or whatever you’d like to call it—the time when you feel like you’re a failure—are your opportunity to grow. To go back to ground and rethink about your life.

“Don’t curse the fall” as Yasmin Mogahed has said it somewhere. And I can’t agree more, because it is where you’ll realise what you actually need in your life. You’ll come back to your best self when you need to and when you’re ready.

And that’s exactly what happened to my laptop. I know this sounds so lame but I left it for about an hour and voila! Things went back to normal and even faster.

You know, we’re not at all that different (which is somewhat creepy). But at least, you have a story to tell.

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